EAT IT, BRITAIN
A while ago, a friend sent me a joke that her British friends had been circulating around Facebook entitled “A Message from the Queen.” It starts like this: To the citizens of the United States of...
View ArticleWHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR…
Obviously the classic song ends that phrase with “your dreams come true.” Then, as I’m sure you’ve seen, some smartass decided to put a modern and more cynical spin on the phrase with some iteration of...
View ArticleCAROLE R. DAVIS NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
Doubtless there are some among you who are already mad at me for being so rude to this innocent woman in my title. First of all, it’s paraphrased from the atrocious article on which I based this post,...
View ArticleI WATCHED “VERTICAL LIMIT” (AGAIN) SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO
If you’ve never seen Vertical Limit, good for you. If you’ve never even heard of it, even better. It came out in 2000 and somehow made $215 million on a budget of just $75 million, despite being a...
View ArticleYOU ARE NOT A TETRACHROMAT, AND THIS GRAPHIC IS BULLSHIT
Recently there was a schism on the internet between people about the color of a dress. That led to all kinds of scientific articles about how we perceive color differently, memes about white and gold...
View ArticleAPPARENTLY SOME PEOPLE AREN’T FAT ENOUGH
QUICK NOTE: I wrote the bulk of this post almost a year ago, but it got lost in the shuffle and I didn’t finish it until just now. I realize the news item in question is long gone, but the points...
View ArticleWHY CATS KICK THEMSELVES IN THE FACE
I have long held a theory about cats: for all their potential for grace, power, stealth, and general elegance, they sometimes genuinely do not have any control over their own bodies. Case in point:...
View ArticleSPACE-BASED SOLAR POWER: DON’T GET TOO EXCITED
This has come up before and never gotten a ton of mainstream attention, but I saw it again and thought I’d address it. WHAT IS IT? Breaking news: the Sun is really freaking bright. Like you cannot...
View ArticleWHY I AM NOT ALL ABOUT “ALL ABOUT THAT BASS”
First things first: I know this song came out a long time ago. I’d love to tell you that the reason I have taken this long to address it is that I wanted to be very careful and deliberate about how I...
View ArticleTHREE REASONS THIS ROCKET WON’T SEND US TO MARS
Ever been to the website Elite Daily? If you haven’t, don’t bother. Home of such journalistic masterpieces as “Zayn Malik Isn’t Worried About Leaving One Direction Because His Fiance Is Hot As F*ck”...
View Article13 STUPID PEOPLE SAY STUPID THINGS ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE
So like a month ago (because I am lazy and haven’t gotten around to writing this), the Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage is legal nationwide because any laws preventing it are inherently...
View ArticleLET’S TALK ABOUT BLOWJOBS
NOTE: In case you weren’t tipped off by the title, this post has a lot of sex words in it. I say “dick” eight times, “penis” four times, and “pussy” twice, in addition to my usual swearing. If you...
View ArticleTHE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS’ STAR WARS VIDEO IS FUCKING STUPID
On January 7, the New England Patriots released a “hype video,” as they called it, themed around the trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The idea is to get Pats fans pumped up for the playoffs,...
View Article2 SUPER BOWL MYTHS THAT WON’T DIE
As you probably know, the Super Bowl is next week. This is the part where those of you that didn’t know that scroll all the way to the bottom of this post to explain to me that you don’t care about...
View ArticleBATMAN V. SUPERMAN IS BAD. THIS IS NOT WHY.
Last week, I went to see Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. It is not a good movie. The first two hours and fifteen minutes are a series of disjointed scenes, at least four or five dream sequences,...
View Article4 REASONS SOLAR ROADWAYS ARE FUCKING STUPID
The idea of solar roadways has been around for a while, and I haven’t said anything about it because I thought it was self-evident how stupid it was. I was wrong. The Indiegogo page raised $2.2 million...
View ArticleCOULD THIS BE THE WORLD’S FIRST NUCLEAR-POWERED AIRLINER? (NO.)
On January 5, 2011, I wrote the following: “Designer” is a dangerous term, because it usually means some crazy person with ridiculous ideas who then makes CAD drawings or actual mock-ups of his crazy...
View Article13 NEW RULES FOR AIR TRAVEL
In the last year, I have made ten trips that required air travel. I have flown something like 100,000 miles and spent roughly the entirety of my adult life in layovers. If I had kids, I would have...
View ArticleNO ONE CARES THAT YOU’RE SAD
It’s over. The oath has been taken, the barrier fences will soon be broken down and put in storage, and the police will go back to their normal shifts. There are no more appeals, no more recounts, no...
View ArticleWHY ARIAN FOSTER CAN’T FIGHT A WOLF
I know what you’re thinking, and what you’re thinking is, “What the fuck are you talking about? How did that even come into your head?” In my defense, he started it. For those out of the loop, that’s...
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