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EAT IT, BRITAIN
A while ago, a friend sent me a joke that her British friends had been circulating around Facebook entitled “A Message from the Queen.” It starts like this: To the citizens of the United States of...
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WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR…
Obviously the classic song ends that phrase with “your dreams come true.” Then, as I’m sure you’ve seen, some smartass decided to put a modern and more cynical spin on the phrase with some iteration of...
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CAROLE R. DAVIS NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
Doubtless there are some among you who are already mad at me for being so rude to this innocent woman in my title. First of all, it’s paraphrased from the atrocious article on which I based this post,...
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I WATCHED “VERTICAL LIMIT” (AGAIN) SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO
If you’ve never seen Vertical Limit, good for you. If you’ve never even heard of it, even better. It came out in 2000 and somehow made $215 million on a budget of just $75 million, despite being a...
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YOU ARE NOT A TETRACHROMAT, AND THIS GRAPHIC IS BULLSHIT
Recently there was a schism on the internet between people about the color of a dress. That led to all kinds of scientific articles about how we perceive color differently, memes about white and gold...
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APPARENTLY SOME PEOPLE AREN’T FAT ENOUGH
QUICK NOTE: I wrote the bulk of this post almost a year ago, but it got lost in the shuffle and I didn’t finish it until just now. I realize the news item in question is long gone, but the points...
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WHY CATS KICK THEMSELVES IN THE FACE
I have long held a theory about cats: for all their potential for grace, power, stealth, and general elegance, they sometimes genuinely do not have any control over their own bodies. Case in point:...
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SPACE-BASED SOLAR POWER: DON’T GET TOO EXCITED
This has come up before and never gotten a ton of mainstream attention, but I saw it again and thought I’d address it. WHAT IS IT? Breaking news: the Sun is really freaking bright. Like you cannot...
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WHY I AM NOT ALL ABOUT “ALL ABOUT THAT BASS”
First things first: I know this song came out a long time ago. I’d love to tell you that the reason I have taken this long to address it is that I wanted to be very careful and deliberate about how I...
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THREE REASONS THIS ROCKET WON’T SEND US TO MARS
Ever been to the website Elite Daily? If you haven’t, don’t bother. Home of such journalistic masterpieces as “Zayn Malik Isn’t Worried About Leaving One Direction Because His Fiance Is Hot As F*ck”...
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13 STUPID PEOPLE SAY STUPID THINGS ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE
So like a month ago (because I am lazy and haven’t gotten around to writing this), the Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage is legal nationwide because any laws preventing it are inherently...
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LET’S TALK ABOUT BLOWJOBS
NOTE: In case you weren’t tipped off by the title, this post has a lot of sex words in it. I say “dick” eight times, “penis” four times, and “pussy” twice, in addition to my usual swearing. If you...
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THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS’ STAR WARS VIDEO IS FUCKING STUPID
On January 7, the New England Patriots released a “hype video,” as they called it, themed around the trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The idea is to get Pats fans pumped up for the playoffs,...
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2 SUPER BOWL MYTHS THAT WON’T DIE
As you probably know, the Super Bowl is next week. This is the part where those of you that didn’t know that scroll all the way to the bottom of this post to explain to me that you don’t care about...
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BATMAN V. SUPERMAN IS BAD. THIS IS NOT WHY.
Last week, I went to see Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. It is not a good movie. The first two hours and fifteen minutes are a series of disjointed scenes, at least four or five dream sequences,...
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4 REASONS SOLAR ROADWAYS ARE FUCKING STUPID
The idea of solar roadways has been around for a while, and I haven’t said anything about it because I thought it was self-evident how stupid it was. I was wrong. The Indiegogo page raised $2.2 million...
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COULD THIS BE THE WORLD’S FIRST NUCLEAR-POWERED AIRLINER? (NO.)
On January 5, 2011, I wrote the following: “Designer” is a dangerous term, because it usually means some crazy person with ridiculous ideas who then makes CAD drawings or actual mock-ups of his crazy...
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13 NEW RULES FOR AIR TRAVEL
In the last year, I have made ten trips that required air travel. I have flown something like 100,000 miles and spent roughly the entirety of my adult life in layovers. If I had kids, I would have...
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NO ONE CARES THAT YOU’RE SAD
It’s over. The oath has been taken, the barrier fences will soon be broken down and put in storage, and the police will go back to their normal shifts. There are no more appeals, no more recounts, no...
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WHY ARIAN FOSTER CAN’T FIGHT A WOLF
I know what you’re thinking, and what you’re thinking is, “What the fuck are you talking about? How did that even come into your head?” In my defense, he started it. For those out of the loop, that’s...
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